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I had trust issues and guilt issues—boring stories—and I got a lot more comfortable once we'd made that commitment.

Now we have two kids, and we have sex almost weekly. ) I doubt it's the norm, Dan, but that's what happened with me.

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It sounds cheesy, but marriage counseling really helped.

It helped my husband understand himself and his reactions better, and it helped cement the idea of "ours" instead of "yours" as it related to the problems I was dealing with at the time.

If you had known us 25 years ago, Dan, you would not have given us good odds.

We'd been dating only a year and a half when we got engaged, and we'd known each other less than two years.

It helped that we shared some kinks and were both up for what we agreed would be a nice and mostly companionate marriage. Turns out he needed that emotional attachment to feel safe and secure enough to open up and relax and enjoy himself. All it took for the sex to get better was practice and paying attention to cues and solving problems.

I strongly suspect that perseverance and a bit of luck were also major factors.

I was deeply ashamed of my sexual interest even before my mother discovered my porn when I was 14 and told me I was a pervert that no decent woman would ever want.

When I met my wife, our sex life was okay—but I was never fully present, because I would have to concentrate on my fantasies in order to sustain an erection. My wife knew I was masturbating in the middle of the night instead of having sex with her, and that led to some enormous fights.

In a recent column, you said you never hear from married couples whose sex life got better and more frequent over the years. My wife and I were married 24 years ago, and we are currently having more sex and better sex than we did in the first years of our marriage.

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